It’s usually a good sign when kids take their parents for granted. This means parents are figures of constancy who pick them up from lessons, fix their bikes, and offer unconditional love. If parents love their kids well, kids have a sense of stability at home. They don’t have any reason to take a deeper interest in their parents as people until later, when they’re grown.
So I was delighted when we were out listening to music last night and my 12yo son asked me what exactly makes his bassist Dad a great musician. This curiosity showed depth and maturity, I thought.
Me: Dad can read any music and learns new musical forms quickly. So quickly that he can fill in for someone at the last minute. He has great time. Phrasing. Great feel. And great intonation—you know, symphonic musicians have to play in tune, so that carries over to all his playing. And he can channel a bunch of different feelings into musical expression.
12yo: That’s what makes him good?
Me: Well, that’s what makes him super competent. But I think what makes him good is other stuff.
12yo: Don’t hold out on me, Mom.
Me: It’s partly the way he improvises. He could string together a series of licks or, like, known phrases for a solo but chooses to create other paths in music instead. Miles Davis said, “Don’t play what’s there. Play what’s not there.” Dad does that. I can’t guess what he’ll play next.
12yo: So that’s what makes him good. Trying to play something more original?
Me: That’s what makes him a good improviser. But playing that way is partly a matter of temperament. Or socialization. The outcome of him starting young enough in DC. He was in youth symphony but also gigging with these older musicians in jazz clubs as a teenager. They wouldn’t have had patience for some skinny white kid bass player stringing together a bunch of tired licks. He had to do something more creative than that. He was lucky to be in these situations early on where he found a sense of belonging by being more himself in music. It also makes him good for a hang. Dad can hang with all kinds of people.
12yo: Dad has chill. Definitely. So that’s what makes him a good musician.
Me: Actually there’s something more, I think. Joni Mitchell told me this story about when she was with Wayne Shorter and a bunch of other pop and jazz musicians in Japan for a big concert. Wayne was paired to perform with this guy who was playing with all this abstraction, these smears of sound. Not that it’s bad to play like that. But Wayne would have been just overwhelmed by this other guy’s blowfest—it wasn’t working as music. So Wayne listened and composed a solution for the show. He played a kind of Dixieland or early jazz rhythm to give this other player’s sound a backbone, some structure. I saw the video later. Wayne didn’t usually play like this, but it worked beautifully that night. Created balance and honored what was best in this other musician, too. Wayne did that stuff all the time.
Dad does that too. Composes these solutions in real time while he’s improvising on the bandstand. So many times I’ve seen him listen intently onstage and then play the perfect thing to connect two musicians who’d just fly apart otherwise. He loves music enough to serve its needs, instead of just thinking about his own performance. His musicianship is advanced and generous enough to compose and play whatever the group needs in the moment. On the spot. It’s stunning. That’s what I think makes him a great musician.
12yo: Okay, you’ve thought too much about this, Mom.
Me: This is part of your origin story. I heard Dad doing these things in music and I wanted to know him better.
12yo: I guess. He’s just Dad, though. Can Thomas stay over tonight? We could pick him up on the way home.
Me: Okay. Sure.
Happy Father’s Day. Here’s to Dads loving their kids so well that the kids can take them for granted.
Beautiful story ❤️
Lovely story, Michelle – thanks for sharing!